This entry was posted on Monday, April 6th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
(I wrote this blog 2 years ago, I lost my MOM due to breast cancer as well. I don't blame my MOM for me having a cancer, I love her and if I am going to die, I will be happy to be with her)
I can’t forget the day my mom died. She had struggle to fight the cancer for almost 16 years. Even though my mom was ready to die, she struggled in the end. It was her last ditch effort to survive. Seeing her sudden fight to live and watching her dying is the most painful experience i’ve ever had in my whole life. I think no one is ever going to be ready for losing someone they love so much.
It was a beautiful morning on the 3rd of february, I woke up feeling better, because it was just yesterday when I spent the whole day taking care of mom. We were in my room, I remember lying on my bed with her, she was bedridden and hardly talk, we held hands, though it was so hard for me, I stayed strong for her, I was there all the time for her, and loved her with every inch of her being.
There is a filipino belief that says if your love one died at an early morning, it signifies abundance with the dying family members. She died that early morning, I remember her gasping for air, i was terrified because I thought she would be breathless any moment. I was looking in her eyes, but as if she coudn’t see me. She was reaching for someone’s else hand, I am not sure who’s hands. They said, those who are about to die are seeing deceased love ones. Deceased relatives would appear to the dying person to offer support, guidance and assistance as death drew near. In fact, she would always tell how often my dad would visit her, and her parents too. Which scares me sometimes. I always tell her, Mom, please when your gone, dont ever visit me because it is going to scare me.
Going back, as she reached her hands, I tried to talk to her, I said, everybody is here, and we will offer a prayer, I still want her to fight but seeing her in pain is almost unbearable. I was confused, should I just tell her to give up and be with Gods hand? my brothers and sister are with me, relatives and friends. I was crying and screaming because I see her dying and there is nothing I can do. My relatives convinced me to offer her to the lord so that she may finally rest. I still didnt want to say goodbye to her, but i coudnt bear her pain anymore, I had to let her go. I finally said to her, “Ma, gusto mo na magpahinga? sige payag na ako, be with god’s hand and worry no more”. I promise to take care of my siblings.
After whispering those words to her, she finally close her eyes, as if thats what she’s been waiting for so long,,,, and I can feel her hand holds me tightly, it was her last breath that gives me the feeling of dying too. I screamed, shouting her name….I almost fainted…
I didnt know that coping with a loss is emotionally draining…My mom and I were inseperable and been there for each other. I missed her so much….It’s been two months now and there are days when I am okay some days feel so miserable. How I wish I had the power to give her life so she could spend it with me. Sometimes I would think of her as if she’s still alive, and reality hits me that she’s gone. I still have so much thing to say to her, and cry myself to sleep at times. I am just so lucky that my husband is with me to comfort me though at times I feel so bad bothering him with my sadness.
(I wrote this blog 2 years ago, I lost my MOM due to breast cancer as well. I don't blame my MOM for me having a cancer, I love her and if I am going to die, I will be happy to be with her)
I can’t forget the day my mom died. She had struggle to fight the cancer for almost 16 years. Even though my mom was ready to die, she struggled in the end. It was her last ditch effort to survive. Seeing her sudden fight to live and watching her dying is the most painful experience i’ve ever had in my whole life. I think no one is ever going to be ready for losing someone they love so much.
It was a beautiful morning on the 3rd of february, I woke up feeling better, because it was just yesterday when I spent the whole day taking care of mom. We were in my room, I remember lying on my bed with her, she was bedridden and hardly talk, we held hands, though it was so hard for me, I stayed strong for her, I was there all the time for her, and loved her with every inch of her being.
There is a filipino belief that says if your love one died at an early morning, it signifies abundance with the dying family members. She died that early morning, I remember her gasping for air, i was terrified because I thought she would be breathless any moment. I was looking in her eyes, but as if she coudn’t see me. She was reaching for someone’s else hand, I am not sure who’s hands. They said, those who are about to die are seeing deceased love ones. Deceased relatives would appear to the dying person to offer support, guidance and assistance as death drew near. In fact, she would always tell how often my dad would visit her, and her parents too. Which scares me sometimes. I always tell her, Mom, please when your gone, dont ever visit me because it is going to scare me.
Going back, as she reached her hands, I tried to talk to her, I said, everybody is here, and we will offer a prayer, I still want her to fight but seeing her in pain is almost unbearable. I was confused, should I just tell her to give up and be with Gods hand? my brothers and sister are with me, relatives and friends. I was crying and screaming because I see her dying and there is nothing I can do. My relatives convinced me to offer her to the lord so that she may finally rest. I still didnt want to say goodbye to her, but i coudnt bear her pain anymore, I had to let her go. I finally said to her, “Ma, gusto mo na magpahinga? sige payag na ako, be with god’s hand and worry no more”. I promise to take care of my siblings.
After whispering those words to her, she finally close her eyes, as if thats what she’s been waiting for so long,,,, and I can feel her hand holds me tightly, it was her last breath that gives me the feeling of dying too. I screamed, shouting her name….I almost fainted…
I didnt know that coping with a loss is emotionally draining…My mom and I were inseperable and been there for each other. I missed her so much….It’s been two months now and there are days when I am okay some days feel so miserable. How I wish I had the power to give her life so she could spend it with me. Sometimes I would think of her as if she’s still alive, and reality hits me that she’s gone. I still have so much thing to say to her, and cry myself to sleep at times. I am just so lucky that my husband is with me to comfort me though at times I feel so bad bothering him with my sadness.
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