I, Jenifer, take you Arnel, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part



This is the promise we made on our wedding day, January 19, 2008.  It feels like it was just yesterday when we got married, time flies and in a few days we will be celebrating our 5 Years Wedding Anniversary.  Our relationship is far too young, we are just starting to build our life together, dream together, and make these dream come true.   And yet, as young our relationship it is, life throws us both a curve ball. 

We have committed that in sickness and in health we will be together, I did not see this coming too early.   It is a test of our relationship, they said true commitment and devotion are tested when we are faced with trials.

Being diagnosed with terminal illness by far is the hardest illness to watch in a loved ones.  How can this be happening? You are not prepared for this, and yet you proved me that true love can stood the test of time.  You have taken that responsibility to take care of me, and love me unconditionally

I know that it is not easy, and sometimes you find yourself overwhelmed with responsibilities of taking care of me, our Sofia, our home, our financial needs.

And yet, there is something so sweet about watching you take care of me and Sofia, the love the you showed to us is heartwarming.  I have never heard you complain even once, every time you need to bring me to the hospital, buy me medicine, shopping for my needs.  The way you pray every night to God asking for my healing.  Whenever I hear you sing for Sofia at night and put her to bed.  How lovely and wonderful it is to have a husband like you?  

Through all of this trials, there is such a note of love and faith in us, that even when there is fear, there is something undefinable, lovely and inspirational.   

I can't thank God enough that he brought you into my life.  Thank you for being my partner in facing this life’s challenge, I coudn’t ask for a better husband.

Thank you for the 5 years of marriage, it is not perfect but it is what brings us close together, through trials and hardship. 
 
Thank you for your commitment, caring and unselfish devotion and most of all, for always believing that there is FAITH, HOPE and LOVE in US.

Happy 5 years Wedding Anniversary :-)






"Sharing the Wedding VOW I made back in January 19, 2008"


Growing up as a young girl, just like most young girls I love watching love stories, reading romantic novels and fantasizing if that would ever happen to me.

I grew up always dreaming, if I will ever fall in love, just like in one of those romantic novels.  
We hardly have enough when I was young, and I focused myself on studies and then working hard to provide for my family.  And then, I quickly forgot what I was dreaming of.

I met you seven years ago, I was very young then, and we became friends only to lose touch for several years.  And for some unknown reason, you came back into my life unexpectedly.  Only to remind me of my young girl dream about the magic of "LOVE."  

I tried to ignore the magic that you brought because I stopped believing in magic, but it was fate that keeps bringing us back into each others path.  And then, unknowingly, I started falling in love with you.  Before I knew it, you turned my life upside down.  The distance and our differences made it seems hard to believe that it is our fate to be together.  But you made me see how beautiful our love story can be, and I started believing on us.  For when I am with you, my mind is at peace, and there is burning fire in my heart to keep loving you.

And today, as we stand before God, and while our friends and families are watching, I would like to take care of the fire that our love creates in our life.  I love you, and I promise to support you in all your endeavours and give you unconditional intimacy, loyalty, faithfulness and trust.

I will be at your side to nurture and touch, to heal your wounds and to calm your heart.  I promise to give you serenity and harmony.   I will respect and listen when you speaks and read our journal of love as you continue to write our love story.

I will see to your needs and lean on your strength.  I will take your gift and return them so they can multiply.  I will praise God and give thanks to him everyday for giving you in my life, the man who brings fire into my heart and peace into my mind, the man I love.

This shall I do until my last breath.

My mom battled breast cancer for 20 years, she was diagnosed when she was 42 and died at the age of 62 in February 2009. 
 
After my mom passed in 2009, I moved to Canada to start my life here in Calgary.  In September, 2009 I became pregnant with my daughter, Sofia.  When 6 months pregnant, I noticed a small lump in my breast but both my doctor and Ob Gyn told me it was likely just milk ducts and not to worry.  I was 31 at the time.

After Sofia was born, the lump was forgotten, until almost 2 years ago on Feb 19, 2011 when I started experiencing extreme abdominal pain and nausea in the night.  It appeared to be a gallbladder infection.  It didn't take too long before the pain was so great that an ultrasound was done.  Not a gallbladder infection - when all was said and done,  I was  told that I have stage 4 breast cancer, with lesions on my liver and mets all over my bones.  After nursing my mother through this terrible illness, and at such a young age, it was an unbelievable diagnosis for me to face.

Chemo was begun in Mar, 2011 and it has been up and down since then with various drugs, some helping more than others.  In September of this year I was hospitalized for a week and had to stop working.  In the midst of all of this, almost a year ago during a visit to the Philippines we fell in love with a newborn baby, Logan, who was in need of a loving family and decided to adopt him. While most families would be closing in and protecting what financial and emotional resources they have, we opened up their arms to another child.

That's our story in a nutshell.  Through all this cancer journey, I am blessed to have a very supportive family, friends, a husband, and a lovely daughter Sofia, she is 3.  Logan will be 1 year old in a few days. 

Currently, I am still on chemo treatment (XELODA), this has been the 3rd chemo since my diagnosis, and 2 hormonal treatment which failed.  I know that one day they will stop working for me, or be too toxic to continue, which leads me to go for alternative treatment. 

I am hoping to do a fundraising online to help me with alternative treatment (My account for the fundraising is still being setup, I will go live once everything is confirmed), and it is my hope that friends, family and people with good heart will be able to help me prolong my life. 

I feel now that putting in effort to prolong my life, as well as creating an environment for potential healing using both conventional and alternative treatment, emotional, spiritual and physical, along with acceptance of the outcome of life, which is death, can only make my journey more rewarding..

Thank you and God Bless,
Jenifer Chavez

This was taken during my chemo treatment (taxotere) last year, with my daughter Sofia.

A Mothers love.......

Lately, I have been thinking about motherhood and essence of being a MOM.   What is the real essence of being a mother.   Whenever I have this question, it always lead me to look at the bible and what God tells us about motherhood.

Proverbs 31:26-31 "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many woman do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive , and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Will I be the best Mom to my kids? I know that we cannot always be a perfect MOM but we can always do our best to make our kids feel that they are loved.

I grew up with a great relationship with my MOM, it is not perfect but I can tell that she has been the best MOM to me.  On her last few days,  I asked her "MOM" do you think my kids will love me the way I love you, take care of me when I grow old the way I did to you.  She goes, I am sure they will, you have been a good daughter and you will be a great MOM.

There are MOMs who are willing to give up their own happiness to make their children happy, the one who provides guidance and shows compassion to their children

This leads me to question as to why some mother can just abandoned their kids,and whose children come second or last,and not care about the world but themselves.  Selfishness is it?  or is it that some people are not born to be a great MOM.

I have heard stories about MOM having favorites among their child, Mom that drives their kids crazy, embarrassed their kids and say something insane.  

I am not here to judge, but I believe that every MOM's emotional legacy can have a big impact on each child's life.

Every now and then I have a wishful thinking, wishing that my MOM is still alive.  I have been with her through her struggles with cancer and took care of her till her last day.  Now I am face with same fate, but it is totally different, Sofia is too small and she may not understand what is going on with me.  Though I can see in her how much she loves me and how loving and caring she can be when she grow up.  I had those bad times when I can't be a MOM and it frustrates me, but somehow she understand and would kiss me and tell me MOM it is okay, I am here (at the age of 2).  As young as her age, it has been innate in her that compassion, love and understanding.

I know how difficult it is raising a child, and what it makes it more difficult is having to go through it with cancer, having to deal with it through chemo and side effects.   

Chemo can really knocked me out many times and my husband had to take care of her, I felt bad that I could not help him because I was either too tired or sick. I always have this guilt whenever I cannot be a Mom to her.  

I remember my first chemo and how hard it was for us,  I could barely move, my bones is killing me, I couldn’t lift her.  Hubby has to go to work.  He would prepare food for us, leave us in the bonus room and we would lay down the whole day, I can’t barely move to even just change her diaper and feed her.  Sometimes I get choked up with emotion when I caught myself in a situation, being helpless.  But I know that I can’t stop being a MOM and need to be tough for her.  

It is hard when I am feeling sick, but gets harder she gets sick, I get so worried, I couldn't sleep and watch her over all night.  My husband has to go to work and I have to tough it through.  I can’t say that we do not have a family in the area that can help us. In fact, Arnel’s family are all in Canada.  They have a huge family, but there has been either limited or no help at all.

Sofia grew up not seeing or not knowing her grandmother.  To think we are just few miles away from where they lived. I was pregnant with Sofia when we move out from my Mom-in-laws house, she has been so difficult to deal with and we decided to leave and find our place.   We do not know the reason why, we tried to talk and settled things but it hasn’t turned out good.  I was pregnant with Sofia when I started the idea of having a wedding and event decoration.  They initially thought of us making christmas decoration and I insisted about the business of wedding rental.  I ordered items in the states and put in some money.  I thought this would make us grow closer as a family, because I have became close of my brother-in-laws family as they are the one helping me out with doing the decoration.  We started having gathering during weekends and this made me happy.  It only lasts for awhile and the business concept ruined our relationship.  After I was able to setup the wedding items and decorations, they took over and I found myself useless.  It made me wish haven’t I done it, I probably still be in good relationship with them.  Is it the money? is it the money indeed the roots of all evil?  I am not sure why....

It was heartbreaking, .  I had a rough time accepting it at first, some harsh words has been said which I wish I didn’t say.  It took me awhile to let go of myself and find forgiveness in my heart.  It takes a lot of faith and good heart to forgive.  We tried to reach out to them after I found out my diagnosis, but the more we tried the more we felt hurt.  No LOVE, COMPASSION nor sympathy from them.  

At one point, the rest of the family refused to invite Sofia to attend to one of her cousin’s birthday.  As a MOM this breaks my heart and cried myself out to sleep.  I am feeling sorry for my daughter.  Have I done them wrong? When all I did was showed them grace and love.  It is beyond belief as to why this family has not come to understanding that WE AS A FAMILY needs LOVE AND SUPPORT through this difficult time of our lives. 

I knew that I had to let go of the pain inside me, seeing Sofia grow up without knowing her dad’s family hurts me, I do not want her to grow with hatred in her heart instead forgiveness and understanding.  I still wish that conflict among the family will be settled and that the pride in each every person will subside and forgiving and love will flourished.  

As a MOM, I only wish that Sofia will have wisdom and understanding of this thing when she grew up,  that God will grant her good heart, that she may learn how to be compassionate and caring of others.  And above all may she turned to be a woman who fears, praise and serve the Lord.  I wish her to be the best MOM as she can be, if she decided to get married and not dislike men :-)....


This is for you my Sofia......

Precious Gift

(by Sherri Lawrence)

When times seem too hard to bear and I feel like giving up
I vision your beautiful face, the twinkle of your eyes and things of such
The bond we created from my womb to the day you were born
Is a mother and daughter bind that can never be torn
With the strength and guidance of God and the blessings he pours down from above
I want to be the best mom I can be to you and embrace you with all my love
You are as precious as a flower and as gorgeous as a rose
You have been specially made to the very tip of your nose
You are as sweet as honey; such an innocent young child
You are brighter than any star in the sky every time you smile
I want you to be proud of who you are and strive to be the best
Put forth your efforts to achieve your goals and let God do the rest
I will always be your mother first, but I'm also your friend
Your are the most precious gift, that I've ever been given


With All My Love,
Mommy

Almost a year ago, during our visit to the Philippines, we fell in love with a newborn baby, Logan, who was in need of a loving family and we decided to adopt him. While most families would be closing in and protecting what financial and emotional resources they have, we opened up our arms to another child.

I still remember the day he was brought to me, he was only a couple of days old. It was two days before our flight back to Canada.

I held him into my arms, I fell in love with him, he is so tiny and beautiful. I suddenly felt being a new mom again, it is the joy I felt when I had Sofia, the day I gave birth to her and hold her in my arms. The feeling of excitement and joy has been accompanied with loss and grief. Feeling of loss and abandonment, I wonder where is his birth parent, must be painful for his mom to experience a loss of early bond with her child.

I can never judge her, I am not in her situation. I am not sure what is inside of her mind. I do not want to know, I didn't want to ask. At that moment, all I know is that the baby needs care, he needs to be taken care of.

I talked to my husband, and we both feel that we are capable to give him the best we could. We spent the last 2 days in the Philippines with him, took care all of his needs, his clothing, milk, and made an arrangement with caregiver. We can't take him with us just yet as it takes process to do that.

I had to admit that it's not going to be easy, it is going to be a challenge for us. Specially with my husband. It breaks my heart to even think about not seeing him grow.....as difficult it is with my health condition, but I lay it all upon to the Lord. May Gob Bless us and help us raise this child.

To My dear Logan,

It is my prayer that you may know God’s love, may God richly bless you as you celebrate your birthday. May you follow his ways and enjoy what God has given you. I pray that we we may be able to provide all your needs and be the best parent we can be.

We love you,

Mommy, daddy, ate junlie and Sofia

It’s been 1:00 in the morning, January 9, 2013, I am still up and coudn’t sleep.  It was just this day when I found out my counts (neutrophils) keep on going down.  I can’t keep on my treatment with my counts low.  Dr. said I can still take the chemo pills at half dosage, but I am too scared to take it and decided to wait for a few days and praying that my counts might start to build up. 

Normal Neutrophil counts range between 2.0 - 9.0 and mine went all the way down to 1.2.........This worries me, what will happen to me if the counts keep getting low and won’t be able to have any treatment.

This has been my lowest counts since I started my chemo treatment.  I have had 3 kinds of different chemo since my diagnosis and been on two kinds of hormonal treatment and each failed after a while.

This start to worry me, scares me and makes me think too much.  When I am in this situation, I find myself at peace praying and reading bible and hold on to his promise.

It is written in Philippians 4:6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I pray to God that I handle what comes along with this cancer journey.  That I may be able to deal it with faith, strength, grace and dignity.  And comes along it that  I’ll be able to face death peacefully.

It sounds morbid to talk about death and dying, it is the topic that no one wants to talk about.  When I am by myself, I can’t help but think about it.  Think about the things I’ll left behind.  My husband, my Sofia, my adopted daughter Junlie and son Logan.  I think about my family and friends

I don’t find a place for me to talk about it, and I wanna make sure that I'll put everything into writing.  My husband refused to talk about it, I know it scares him and it hurts him to see me go.   He have high hopes and faith as much as I do.  Although I fight as hard as I can and do the most aggressive treatment possible I realize that I will die of this cancer.  I am not giving up, I do not think it is “giving up” to come to peace with dying.

I have pretty much good concept about death and dying.  I believe that our passing is as meaningful as our beginning.  Death to other may sound painful and horrible but I know that it can be beautiful .

I wanted to keep everything in place and be ready when it happens.  I dont want to be upset because I have unfinished business.  I am thankful that I have all this time left and I am making the most out of it.  When it is  my time to go, I can tell myself that I’ve had a beautiful journey.  That I came to know Jesus Christ and accept him as my savior and master.  That I have been a good daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, and a mother.  And most of all......

2 timothy 4:7 

I have fought the good fight, I have finish the race, I have kept my faith.